That Terrible Year, 1805
by Gelbe Schafe
Summary: A fic for the movie Master and Commander. Reviews would be nice :) A sort of Slash, I guess. Has a religious-ness to it.
1. Prologue

****

Prologue

My husband was always troubled. His mind would slip away from reality for long periods of time, and he would be back in 1805, the year he would never speak about.  
  
Now, at the old age of 50, he has decided to tell me everything. He asked me to write down all he said. So I did, and he read it over, fixing my writing. When he was satisfied he had me rewrite it on clean paper.  
  
While he was telling me his troubled story, he slipped into his trance, and I could see on his face, that though he loved me and the children, there was someone he loved even more. 


	2. When I First Met Him

Author's Note: Please keep in mind that I haven't read the books... Everything I know comes from the movie. If I have gotten something wrong, tell me in a review or e-mail ) and I will see if I can fix it. If I can't, I'll just let it be.

****

When I First Met Him

When I first met Peter, I just nodded and went back to work. He looked at me, but left with Captain Aubrey, bless the man's soul.

"Hello," he said to me one day. We had not spoken a word to each other till then.

"Hello," I replied.

"You have been ignoring me," he said.

I grunted.

"Do I make you ill, somehow?" he asked.

I grunted again. I did not look at him.

"If I'm troubling you..."

"No, you're not," I said.

"I feel that I am."

"No. You're not troubling me. I'm... I'm just thinking, that's all."

He nodded and walked away.

I looked up from the deck and watched him go. I felt I had done him a terrible wrong by not talking. I decided that next time I would try to be nicer.

Peter came and talked with me the next day.

We stood together in silence a long time. I could not think of anything to say. I waited for him to speak first.

"I'm going to be a captain," he said.

I looked at him with surprise. "You are?"

"Not now," he said, "but I will be. One day."

He was looking out across the ocean. I knew that he meant it.

"Are you studying with Captain Aubrey?" I asked.

He nodded. "I am. He is a fine captain to learn from."

"He is."

We fell silent again. I was about to speak when Peter was called away. He left and I stood in the silence alone.

That night I thought about Peter as a Captain. If anyone could make him one, it was Captain Aubrey. I fell asleep thinking about it.


	3. He Told Me Then

****

He Told Me Then

By 1805 we were both Midshipman and great friends.

We had our arguments, but also our truces. He was a good friend among all the others, and the more we talked, the more I wanted to be around him.

I did not even think about why that was. It was just a nagging feeling somewhere in me.

In the beginning of the year he drew me apart from the others into a dark corner of the ship. I wondered why it was he wanted to talk with me there, but I did not linger on the thought.

"I need to tell you something," he said.

"What is it?" I sat down on a box and he sat across from me on another one.

"It has been troubling me," he said.

I almost groaned with the thought that he wanted advice about something. I was never good at giving that.

"Ever since I first spoke to you," he continued, "there has been an ill feeling in the bottom of my stomach."

"I am sorry I make you sick," I said quickly.

"No," he said and he reached out to put his hand on my shoulder, but he drew back. "No. You do not make me sick."

He became quiet and I did not want to bother him. I sat and studied the sounds of creaking wood and people walking. I listened to a dim song from the Captain's cabin. I knew it was Captain Aubrey and the Doctor on their instruments. I wondered how the sound carried so far when voices did not.

"I beg your pardon," Peter said. I looked up at him.

"For what?" I asked.

"For this," he said and moved towards me. I sat still as a rock, confused about his actions. He brought his face close to mine and very lightly brushed his lips against my own. Then he was up and gone.

I sat there for a long time, until someone called my name and I had to leave.


	4. Against God

****

Against God

Peter stayed away from me for a while. I accepted that and was glad I could be left to my own thoughts. There was work to do, and many times I forgot that moment, only to be reminded of it later.

On the outside I acted as I had always done. On the inside I was confused and mixed up with feelings. I did not like what Peter had done, for it had caught me off guard. But I did like it at the same time and wanted him to do it again.

A month passed before Peter dared to speak with me in private again. We were alone on watch in the earliest day hours.

"I'm sorry I've been avoiding you," he said.

"I can understand," I said. "You've made me all confused."

"How so?" he asked and I explained. "What do you want me to do?"

He leaned on the railing of the ship and looked into the water. The moon reflected off it in a most queer way that night.

"I want-" I started to say, but could not finish. I thought my answer over while watching him. "I want you to do it again," I said.

He lifted his head and looked at me. I stood still and met his gaze. I saw in them the same thing one could see of the moon on the water, and I wondered what I had gotten myself into. He walked over to me and wrapped his arms around me.

"I would do anything for you," he said, "but I fear I cannot do what you ask of me this time."

"Why not?" I asked, moving closer to him.

"It is against God," he said and let me go.


	5. Forget God

****

Forget God

We ended our watch on separate parts of the ship. That day my mood was low and I kept to myself as much as I could. By night I was in my hammock, feeling sick with too many thoughts. When someone would ask me what was wrong, I replied in truth, "My stomach."

"Go see Doctor Maturin," someone told me.

I got up and went to him. He asked what I had eaten that day, and found nothing wrong with the food. He suspected I had had too much to drink and told me to go back to bed. I did so and was allowed to skip my watch that night.

The next night I was all right again and back on my watch. Peter appeared late.

"I was at the bow," he said as he stood by me.

"Peter..."

"Uhmm?"

"Forget God," I said.

He stared at me in shock. I had spoken against God, but I had no regret for it. I had thought my words over the last night, and prayed much. I felt fine about my words for I had asked God's forgiveness for what I wanted. There had been no evil response, and I knew I was being allowed to go on.

Peter could not speak to me more that night and again we ended our watch apart.


	6. He Forgets God for a Moment

****

He Forgets God for a Moment

Three nights later we had the same watch again. I was at the bow and he had the stern. We had not spoken much those two days. I missed our conversations. I went down to the stern.

"Hello," I said.

He looked at me, but said nothing.

"Is something wrong?" I asked.

He looked out across the ocean. "Those words you said, that other night. Did you mean them?"

"I did," I said, taking off my hat.

"Really meant it?" Peter asked. He glanced at me but his gaze stayed mostly on the ocean.

"Everything," I said.

Peter straightened up and looked at me. I knew he was thinking it all over. After a stretch of time he walked over to me and embraced me again. It was a hug, and I hugged him back. It was still against God to do what he wanted. I felt a deep sorrow for my friend that night.

He pulled away and I looked up at him and smiled. We stood that way for a while. When my neck began to hurt I started to lower my head. Peter pushed me back against the ship railing when I did. I looked to the side, fearing I would blush if I looked at him.

Peter leaned down and kissed me again. I closed my eyes and savored the feeling of his lips on mine. He moved away, but I kept them closed. I wanted to remember it as long as I could.

When I did open my eyes Peter was gone, the only evidence of his existence the feeling he left in me.


	7. The Acheron

****

The _Acheron_

Time passed and Peter and I continued in our own ways, speaking only when there was a thing to be spoken about.

I missed the long conversations for a couple days, but soon left them as a thing of the past and let them go. In all the moments I had I thanked God for that night and how he had helped Peter overcome his fears.

But I soon learned that the Devil must have played a part in my wish. I wanted to be alone with Peter more. I knew I could not unless he wished it so too. I prayed for God to banish my evil feelings and bring them up only when needed. I wondered what I had meant by "only when needed" but I did not take back the words. I felt that God would understand.

A week after the second kiss Mr. Hollum was on watch. It was in the hours of sunrise and many men were already awake. Peter was up and so was I. Hollum saw something in the fog that morning and we had to beat to quarters.

Captain Aubrey took the lens and looked into the fog, but he could see nothing. He dismissed Peter and Hollum. A mere few seconds later he yelled "Down! All hands down!" We all dropped to the deck and above us came cannon shot.

As soon as it passed everyone was running to get ready for the next attack, and to attack. It was chaos like I had known only a few times before.

In short, we were attacked by the French _Acheron_, got our rudder blown away, slipped away in the fog, and I had a broken arm.


	8. Stitches

****

Stitches

I quickly got a fever from my arm and I lay in sweat below deck. On the day Doctor Maturin had to cut off my infected arm, Peter was there, of course.

I lay quietly but a noise startled me and I spoke my thoughts.

"Is it true how they put the last stitch through your nose?"

He looked at me. "What do you mean?"

"Old Joe told me that when you die, they stitch you up in your hammock with the last stitch through your nose. Just to make sure you're not asleep." I kept my eyes on him and thought how heavenly he looked by the candle light. I knew that God loved him and had taken no offense from Peter's feelings and actions. "But not through the nose," I said. "You'll tell them?"

He nodded. I closed my eyes and fell asleep.

I awoke when I was moved, and wished I hadn't when I saw it was time for my arm to go. . .


	9. Thanks be to God

****

Thanks be to God

I got better quickly and resumed my role as Midshipmen. One night we had a celebration. Peter took me aside from everyone else and we went below deck.

"Enjoying yourself?" he asked, grinning from the fun.

I nodded and followed as he continued to that dark corner where he had first kissed me.

"You don't seem so," he said as we sat on the boxes.

I looked away from him and leaned against the wall. He got off his box and sat down behind a stack. Wondering what he was doing, I went and sat beside him.

"Do you wonder about me?" he asked.

"How so?"

"I wonder about you," he said, ignoring my question. "I wonder what you would be like unclothed next to me. I wonder if you think of me the same way I think of you. I wonder if you can feel like I do."

I moved closer to him, and when he looked at me, I kissed him. I pulled away and found him looking at me. I quickly looked away, not wanting to blush. He smiled.

"I wonder if you want to me explore my body as much as I want to explore yours," he said.

I did blush then. "I want to. Sometimes."

"Do you now?"

I looked at him. I wondered just how he could always look so heavenly and beyond my world.

"I do," I said.

We sat quietly in the dark, the sounds of the party drifting down to us. I moved away from him and stretched out my legs. When I looked at him, he was looking back at me.

"You can," he said.

I said nothing and he removed his coat and vest. The spare light from the candle behind the stacked boxes shone on his white shirt. My eye was attracted to the buttons, like the eye of a magpie to a coin. Peter undid the first few of them.

"Peter..." I said, uncertain.

He reached over and slipped off my jacket and vest, being careful about my right arm. He pushed me down as he undid my shirt's buttons. He kissed me again, several times. When my shirt was open he kissed my chest and stomach. The feeling went deep into me and I never wanted him to stop. But he did. Sitting up he pulled me with him.

He did not, however, stop there. He went down on his own back and pulled me atop of him. He looked up at me in a way I had never seen before. He was no longer just Peter Calamy, he was _my _Peter Calamy. I thanked God for the gift he had given me, and kissed Peter.


	10. The Wind Returns

****

The Wind Returns

That morning we found that the _Acheron_ had snuck up on us in the night.

_No wonder, _ I thought, _since we were all celebrating last night._

My thoughts went to Peter and I smiled.

That day was spent staying ahead of the French ship, and when night we launched a strange contraption. It was a model of the top of a mast floating on barrels. It was Peter's job to be on it and light the lanterns attached to it.

He was pulled back in safely and the _Surprise_ made her getaway. I spent that night alone with Peter, repeating what we had done before.

In the morning our ship was behind the _Acheron_. We sped after her, but as we neared Cape Horn a storm came up.

To be short, that night we lost Wharley and the _Acheron_.

We did round the Horn in the end, after going south into the harsh cold. When we were on the other side of the Horn, we caught a quiet spell. It was hot, humid, and too still.

Some of the men soon started saying that it was something to do with Hollum. I ignored their remarks and whispers about him.

One night he hurried in on some of us other Midshipmen talking and hid in a corner by the table. Peter accused him of skipping duty, but I knew that by the way he was all sweaty and scared it was not true. I gave him a drink and hurried off to find the Doctor.

Later that night I was on watch duty, and as I stared into the blackness, Hollum came up and put his hand on my shoulder. I turned arund in surprise.

"Oh, Mr. Hollum, it's just you," I said. "You gave me such a start."

We shared a few words and then stood in silence.

"You've always been so kind to me," he said. "Good-bye."

I watched in shock as he jumped overboard, a cannonball in his hands. I ran to the railing and watched him sink.

In the morning we had a short service for him. Captain Aubrey asked for his and the Lord's forgiveness for the wrongs we had done to Hollum. We all bowed our heads and prayed. When we looked back up the wind was in the sails.


	11. The Lord's Prayer

****

The Lord's Prayer

I'm going to pass over what happened after that, wife, for you know everything already.

What I want to talk of now is when we did catch the French ship. We fought with her well and in the end we won.

Peter and I had spent several nights together by then, and he was much dearer to me than anyone I had known before. He went with the boarding party while I had to stay behind and lead the gun crews. I was eventually able to board the French ship with several other men after we blasted a hole in her side at one of her cannons.

I did not see Peter throughout the whole thing. There were only bits of last fighting by the time I was aboard. The _Acheron_ had struck her colors.

I was as excited as everyone else that we had won. But when I was told that Peter, my lovely Peter, had been brought down just as the fighting was ending, nothing mattered.

The few men that we lost were lined up and stitched into their hammocks. I sat beside Peter's body and remembered that night that was so far away now, when I had asked him about the stitching.

The man who was supposed to stitch up Peter's hammock reached to do so. I stopped him.

"Let me do it," I said.

I knew that with only one arm I would be unable to do it alone, so I asked the man, "Can you help me?"

He held together the sides of hammock and I stitched the hammock over Peter's face. As I reached his nose I paused and remembered all those times he had been alive, and how his face was always full of color. How heavenly he was in life. I blinked away my tears at the thought of how without his soul in it, his body was dim and grey. I continued to stitch, putting the last above his nose, but not through it.

While Captain Aubrey led the service for the fallen men, I stood and had to hold back tears with all my might. When the Captain got to the Lord's Prayer, I spoke in a dim voice to the God who had given to me, but taken away from me as well.

"Our Father,

who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy Kingdom come.

Thy will be done, on earth

as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses,

as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And Lead Us

not into temptation, but

deliver us from evil.

For Thine

is the kingdom, and

the power, and the glory,

Forever and ever.

Amen."


	12. Tell Blakeney

****

Tell Blakeney

After the service was over and the dead delivered to the sea, I went to see my good friend Doctor Maturin. I stopped in his doorway and he looked up at me. I had nowhere else to go.

He held up a beetle I had found a while before, at the Galapagos Islands. I went over and he handed it to me. He set out my little sketch book and opened it to a blank page. I put the beetle down and studied it, drawing it as best I could with my left hand.

I had almost finished my sketch when the Doctor spoke to me.

"He said something to me before he died," Maturin said.

I looked at him in surprise.

"He told me to say to you his last words."

"What?" I asked in a shaky voice, forgetting all about the beetle.

Doctor Maturin looked at me a long time before he continued.

"He said, 'Tell Blakeney I will meet him at his end'."

I gasped and bit my lower lip to keep from crying.

"His very last breath was spent on one word," said Maturin. "His very last word was also for you, and it was 'Love'."

My heart could not bear it, and so I cried. I got up and I hugged the Doctor as best a person can do with only one arm. I cried like I never cried before, and in that long cry my heart spilled out, and I knew that he was waiting, on the far side of the world.


End file.
